Friday, September 17, 2010

Grace, like rain

Happiness, like the weather, can be a fickle femme.  And trying to figure out the source of my happiness has been an interesting study.  

I've always loved collecting things.  As a child, my mother quickly learned to check the pockets of my pants prior to washing them, lest she end up with a washer full of rocks.   If it wasn't rocks, it was fossils, or colored glass, or seashells.  The beautiful little things that captured my fancy would end up in a jar on a shelf above my bed.   I'd take them down, and pour them in a tray to look at them, over and over again.

The best time to find rocks was after a rain.  It was easy to pass up even the prettiest stones when the dirt was dry.  They all look the same, equal in color, nothing new, nothing special.  They lay there, undisturbed, as they have for ages prior.   But when the rain came, the dust was washed away, and the beautiful stones were there, as obvious to their discoverer as if they had just been placed in that spot.  

The problem is - you never know when it's gonna rain in Texas.

Grace is like that, isn't it.  An unwarranted assistance.  A reprieve.  And usually unexpected.  That's what I need - a rain to wash the dust away.  I need some grace, like rain.

BTW - I was hunting diamonds in Arkansas last fall in that picture.  Didn't find a damn one, but I had fun doing it.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

To be a coquina...

I like the beach.  It's one of my favorite places to be, and I don't get to go often enough.  I love to get up early, just as the sun is coming up, and walk down the beach alone.  I'll stop, and look out over the surf, letting the water wash over my bare feet, and then proceed on my journey, nodding to the old lady in a hat riding her bike, and smiling to myself over what her reaction might be if I stripped off my clothes and ran naked into the waves.

It made me think of an ancient woman I met at an artfest in Vermont.  She was a sculptor, and made beautiful, curvy, shapely creations of nude women.  I could not leave without buying one - she showed me how she used her fingers to create the curves, fondling the item lovingly.  It sits on my shelf today.  I could not help but think that had she been the woman on the beach that I had just passed, she would probably have joined me in our free-spirited run. 

I think of my life now, and how I don't want to become the old lady on the bike.  I think about how aloneness helps to numb the emotions, but feeling emotions is what gives us our passion.

I watch the little coquina snails come to the surface to feed as each wave comes up an irregular periodicity.  The snails open their colorful shells and wave their siphons in search for food.  Then, as quickly as it came, the wave retreats, and the tiny molluscs retreat back underneath the sand until another wave comes.  A life of putting themselves out there - to all the elements, risking everything - only to retreat back to the safe harbor of their home.  That is how they survive.

Sometimes, I want to be a coquina...

OK, 10 things I like about me...

Fair is fair.  So as not to be too self deprecating, and start the day on a better note, I've tried to come up with 10 things I like about me:

1.  Being an almost 6' redhead was a horrible thing at the age of 13, it has worked to my benefit as an adult. 

2.  I look good in heels.  High heels.  The "fuck me" high heels.  The kind that easily put me over the 6' mark.

3.  Although I weigh 10 lbs more than I did 15 years ago, it's all the right places.

4.  I'm intellectual, although sometimes I'll play along and make you think that I don't enjoy reading because there are too many words.

5.  I'm a nerd in every since of the word, have studied butterflies in Belize, excavated a mammoth, can fly-fish, know most of the summer constellations, and am an avid fan of almost every type of science. 

6.  I have 3 college degrees, all by the age of 28. 

7.  I'm a great mom.

8.  I'm a workaholic, but in a good way.

9.  I can play 3 musical instruments.

10.  I'm an empath - to the point where it could end up on my previous list.

11. My graduate school roommate told me I "oozed sensuality".  OK, I think she had a crush on me, but still...

OK, so I added an extra one.  But shouldn't you have more things that you like about yourself than you hate?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

10 things I hate about me (or wishing for baked funyuns)

Recently, I've become quite the insightful being.   Well, I guess it hasn't been all that recent - I've always been somewhat insightful.  But when you getuptakeashowerwakeupthekidsgeteverybodydressed (take a breath) cookbreakfasttakemthemtoschoolgotoworkcomehomecook (inhale) dinnergetbathsputthemtobed  time is not on your side for thinking of oneself.

Hell, I forgot to shave one of my legs this morning.  How is that for having presence of mind.

So in this journey of self-rediscovery, and in trying to decide if my present situation has anything to do with me stumbling somewhere along the way, I decided to make a list of things I don't like about me.  Maybe next time I'll do a bright and shiny happy list.

1. I don't mind doing laundry, but hate putting it away.

2.  Those 3 little scars on my face from when I had chicken pox.

3.  I want to be an artist, but can't draw.

4.  I'm easily distracted.

5. Although I don't need plastic surgery now, I'm not too vain to consider it in the future.

6.  I have red hair.  (OK, this one is not so bad now, but was when I was 13).

7.  I cry when I get mad.

8.  I'm afraid of getting old.

9.  I'm afraid of not being happy.

10.  I'm afraid of being insignificant.

But aren't we all...